im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize