You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
