Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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