By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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