If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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