A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
