I love black thongs
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
