She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
