We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
