The maid of honor just puked.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
