You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
