my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
