I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
