we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
