Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
is wine microwaveable?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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