Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize