How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
