Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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