if i can run in heels then i can drive
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
