dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
