You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
