Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
