I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize