The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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