so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
