No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize