i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
