The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
