Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
