Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize