the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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