Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
