I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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