Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
