My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
