I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think a kid would responsible me up
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
