omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
