Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
