nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
