I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
