Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
