If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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