finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize