Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
try to milk me bitch
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