I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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