just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
