I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
