I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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