and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think your dad took our porno
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
