Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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