I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
