Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
my being single is dangerous.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
