I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
