Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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